I have been home for 2 weeks now. People have asked me if I'm glad to be home. Yes, it is good to be home. In many ways, home never changes. But I've changed. Here are some things I've had to adjust to since returning.
*Walking in Superstore I was overwhelmed, not by how big the store was or by how expensive many things were, but by how big the yogurt selection was. Yes, yogurt. I could not see the end of the yogurt aisle. In Tactic I had 2 flavour options, well 3 if you include prune. We live in such a priviledged country where we lack nothing and if we do there is nothing holding us back from obtaining that which we lack.
*In Guatemala, I remember friends telling me they were full after eating half their dinner, half a plate of food. At first I did not believe them, but I've come to realize that if a person eats very little every day, they physically cannot eat much more than that. So instead, they will take the rest home in a doggy bag to share with the rest of the family. I still often feel guilty eating dinner. Eating dinner is not a sin by any means. But somehow I feel like I have eaten too much if I go for seconds. I have so much food available to me, I feel like those on the Survivor TV show that gorge themselves when a feast is presented to them.
*This year I have grown closer to God and learned to love to worship Him. I learned to worship Him with all that I am. I have wondered why my voice is hoarse, why my calves are burning, why my knees are bruised, and why my hands are cracked. Then I realize it's probably from singing as loud as I can, jumping with all the energy I have, bearing my soul as I kneel on the cement, and applauding God for who He is and what He has done. Now that I am home, my feet feel grounded, my hands feel limp, and my voice feels weak. Maybe it is my fear of standing out, my fear of being judged, or realizing that different cultures worship God in different ways. It is much easier worshiping with everything in me, when everyone else is too. I miss that. Here, though, I have appreciated the depth of the sermons I have listened to so far, as I learn more and go deeper in a congregation that does not have such a young faith (and maybe I just understand to a deeper level listening in English).
*Although I had many friends and coworkers in Guatemala, I did not have the same sense of community that I have here with my family, friends, and church groups. I am realizing that much of my time in Guatemala I was secluded. Part of this was because of my heavy workload outside of class time as well as having many friends who went to university on weekends. Part of it was choosing to grow closer to God on an individual level. Part of it was being spread thin, being in each school only once a week so I connected with many people but only at surface level. And part of it was being unsure of Guatemalan customs and feeling restricted as to what I was allowed to do with my friends, considering many of them were guys, and most of them didn't have money or transportation. Being alone but not lonely makes me realize the value of real community as I reconnect with my friends and family here.
*In Guatemala I was tough. I rarely admitted that I was cold when I was maybe a little chilly, and often did not bring a sweater or jacket if I expected it to warm up as the day went on. I would use an umbrella instead of a raincoat. My second last week there it got cold. It dropped down to 9 or 10 degrees Celsius at night, and as high as 18 during the day, despite the rain, wind, and clouds. Our house had no way of being heated, and stayed quite cool all year since the windows and doors didn't seal, we were downstairs with few windows to the sun, and there was no insulation in the brick walls and tile floor. Coming home, I knew it would be cold. I kept trying to explain to my friends that yes 10C is cold, but not as cold as Canada at this time of year. But I have been so cold since returning. Yes we have a furnace, and yes I dug my sweaters, scarves, and mitts out, and yes I've been eating soup and drinking tea, but I don't remember feeling this cold other Novembers. How am I going to survive January?
*In Canada I have so much stuff and am always very planned and busy. Guatemalans in general have only what they need, do only what they need to, and plan in advance only what is required of them. Since returning I have been working at getting rid of a lot of stuff I don't need or use anymore. I have also been trying to not over-commit. I have a problem with saying yes to too many things. But I have learned that I do not want to be too busy for people. I am also in a new place where I have never been before. I am no longer a student and I do not have a job (though I have been working on my resume). I am at the end of my own plans and am saying, "Lord send me. Send me to the people in need. I want to be used by You." I trust that I will get a job where He wants me to work. This is an exciting place to be. God is in charge of my future, and I know He is a big, powerful, creative, and imaginative God.
So I want to thank those of you who have read my blog over this year. Thank you to those of who who were praying for me during this time and to those who supported me in other ways (by giving money to me or to the library, by sending care packages, or by visiting). I wish that words and pictures could truly explain what life was and is like there. At the same time, I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to have such a great experience that I couldn't have had just by reading a book, looking at pictures, or watching a movie. Until next time: Adios and Dios te bendiga.
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